Another discovery...

I've been browsing through my own blog, the private one, and I've come across so many things which made me think A LOT. And this I've realized: diaries (and blogs, in that matter) are very important documentations of lives. I have been thinking of editing, deleting, etc etc some of the details that I've blogged. And I thought, "Why though?" What's the point of writing it then deleting it for the sake of other people? So I have come to conclude that I will never delete anything from my entries. If I would allow somebody I trust to read it, I'm really sorry if the entries would touch a nerve, would hurt or whatever. Those things are true. The things that I've written are true during the time that I've written them. And hello! Reality bites! THINGS CHANGE! SEASONS CHANGE! THOUGH SOMETIMES, PEOPLE DON'T (THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY), THINGS CHANGE.. So, regardless of what I've written, the latest posts are the ones that count the most for they are the current updates on my life. Sorry if I would hurt anyone. I don't mean to. I'm sorry. Again, I say, THINGS CHANGE!!!! I'VE CHANGED A BIT (JUST A BIT)... BUT IM STILL QUITE THE SAME.. THINGS CHANGE..

I'm Learning the Art of...?

SOMETHING NEW

It's 5.5 hours, approximately, after the exams and I haven't been productive at all. My "kasipagan" level is slowly decreasing to my academic disadvantge and to my body's enjoyment and relaxation. But whatever. Something's up. It seems that my theory is right. My theory states that during dull moments or instances when my mind is free to wander anywhere it wishes to, I tend of think of so many deep, personal things that make me so vulnerable than when my mind is too preoccupied to think of more profound things, like when doing school works, etc etc. And now, I can't keep those thoughts at bay and they're gradually attacking my impuissance since my laziness is at an "up" level and my guards are down.

All I can say is that I'm a very vulnerable individual no matter how I pretend to be strong. This "self" thing is crushing me. This "love" thing is not really helping, it's more like confusing (See what I mean? I tend to think of these things during the dull moments). But, like I always say, there's a right time for everything. These things have to wait. I'm not saying that I'm forcing myself not fall in love. All I'm saying is that, I may fall but I'm not going to tell. There will be that random moment that It'll just come out of my mouth and everything will fall into place. But what if, at that moment, the one that I've fallen for is already gone? And so starts my endless mantra of indecipherable truth. Well, one comforting idea is that if one can really love, one can never leave. It's always there, no matter what. Time won't matter. There's only that one person, that only one who can stay.

Well, this is what I'm going to do. Back to basics for me. Come what may. Back to ground zero. It's going to be a whole new day tomorrow. And one helluva new schoolyear next year. I'm looking forward to it, actually (not particularly to the "love" thing--I'm not looking for it, I want it to find me..teehee.. And until it does, the true one, of course, then I'll let everything fall into place..) I'm going to stick to that beautiful randomness thing.

I don't want to take anyone for granted. I'm only trying to get to know people for who they really are and how they are really like, behind the actors and actresses that they are. I'm really not into playing games. And I'm not worth messing with. Don't anyone dare mess with me or else, they'll regret it. Teehee.. I'm just keepin it real. There's already too much drama in the world and too much actors to mingle with, why don't we try something new? Why don't we try being true for once? Try it, it's going to be worth it.

Well, enough of my own thoughts, I'm gonna go nuts if this holds until later. I'm going to try to muster some "sipag" to do some schoolworks since I've already released my personal burden. Hahaha. I'm gonna leave it at that for now. And I want to thank Carla too. She's been really great! She knows about this actually. AHAHAHAHA!! Thanks bezz..(",)

Take care, u guyz..(",) Be senstive, I think I'm starting to fall.. hahahahahahahahahhahaahhahaha... :)) kidz! cheers!


enawor:punk_princess@me.com (chorva!)

happy new year? huh?

The forces of evil are trying to crush the human soul, letting it succumb into despair. This day marks another outset of the unknown waiting for us to unravel and to venture. My advice? Never let the forces of evil poison the very heart of the human soul and crumple morality into nothingness. This is not the way to begin life anew. This is not the way to live--to truly live.

But, ah! My mind is swirling, thoughts mingling with fear, anger, confusion, sadness. I am but a lowly individual, vulnerable to every force that nature's wrath is showing. Sadly, I now say that I am crippled by a force that overpowers those whose impuissance are greatest. The innocence that once bound my young mind has been poisoned by hate! oh, the hate! The hate that my heart has once contempted, the hate that I had used to hate! The hate that has overpowered my will is lingering. But i am weak. This weakness of mine has bound my hands from doing what is right and it has bound my heart from loving him.

My mind may be clouded by prejudice but I still hold honesty with a certain superiority. And I can not speak of otherwise, of something against the truth, especially against the truth of the feelings that my heart hold. This truth may be difficult to realize but it is always there and I can never speak against it. And this I state with truth: I dislike him in a level wherein I can never accept him as a part of me. Harsh, yes, of that harshness I am aware. But the weakness makes anyone vulnerable, easily taken into a wild ride towards the darker side of living. And I am weak. I am hurt. I am pained by what I am seeing, by his inconsistency, by his outright insensitivity. Never can I imagine someone as dear to me as he is hurt the people I thought he most cares about. or as dear to me as he was. or he most cared about. or just plain whatever. Did he even care? Did he even give a single thought of how I would feel? Of how we would feel?

I ask for an apology. This apology is for those who believe in the good. This is for those who have been hurt by my words. This is for those who think that immorality has poisoned my mind. This is for those who thought that they are wrongly informed of who I am. I am an individual who believes in a lot of things: love, honesty, respect, norms, eccentricity, fun, and even fairytales. But I am human, a weak one in that sense. I am capable of feeling, and I can be easily overpowered with the strongest of emotions. I am vulnerable. Especially in this aspectof my life. I do not allow others to inflict pain upon the people closest to my heart. I never want to see them hurt in any way. I bleed for every pain that they feel. And for evey pain I feel, impuissance reigns over me. And that enkindles a flame of hatred, the kind that you never want to see.

Now that you know me partially, particularly in this aspect of me and probably the only part of me that you would know (for you never really wanted know me, you even showed care and concern in very minimal instances), understand this. You are hurting me as you are hurting the ones I love the most. For that, see the fire in my eyes, a flame of hatred, of anger and of sadness. See the broken soul inside of me which you insensitively broke. But you can never see otherwise.

***Nyahaha... Happy new year.. its not a pretty literature, i know.. hehehe.. sma lng yan ng loob.. bk mgbgo dn yan.. pero as of now, s tngn ko totoo yan.. sma ng new year ko.. but im not going to let that ruin the rest of the year. It's just beginning anyway..(",) I have to be strong for them, for the ones I love. I have to be brave.(",)

Cheers!

Take care, peepz!

Rock on!!!

Wanie13(13 tlga! haha.. Congratz Christian!!!)